This is clipped directly from Gawker, as I could see no other way to explain this story or offer any further commentary. There are just no words.
Except, perhaps: "…seriously?"
Man in Kentucky Arrested for Breaking Into Firehouse, Allegedly Masturbating On Firemen’s Gear
Last weekend, 27-year-old Nicholas Gonzales got drunk in Louisville, Kentucky. Then, as drunk people tend to do, he made a stupid decision and allegedly broke into a nearby firehouse, smashing one of the building's windows. When firefighters went to investigate the sound of broken glass, they found Gonzales in the midst of an act that they probably weren't expecting: he was reportedly masturbating onto their gear, which he'd removed from their lockers.
The firefighters detained Gonzales, which I'm sure was an interesting ordeal, until police arrived and arrested him. But why was Gonzales allegedly masturbating onto the firefighter's gear, according to the police report?
"Because I wanted to."
Fair enough. Gonzales was charged with burglary, public intoxication and criminal mischief.