During my last tour of duty, I came across a most unusual new practice. I was instructed to present a comment card to all patients whom we encounter in the performance of our duty. Yes, that's right, a comment card—the likes of which I had only seen at my favorite 24-hour breakfast joint.
Sure, we have an ongoing struggle regarding our shift schedule. Our repair shop is "understaffed and overworked," threatening our citizens with the possibility that there may not be enough serviceable apparatus to adequately cover the city's ever-growing number of emergencies. Oh, and morale is circling the bowl, one flush away from joining the cesspool.
But the most important thing we need know is: how were the pancakes?
So here's the obverse and reverse of the card. Upon first inspection, I already have qualms about this piece of self-righteous cardstock (remember, even in bulk quantity: add the cost of the stamp to the cost of printing and cutting thousands of these). Seriously, could we have picked a more efFEMinate stamp? Purple, swirly Foxglove flowers on a cream/off-white background. Interestingly enough, the Latin name for the Foxglove species, digitalis purpurea, is named because of the plant's intensely colored flowers that are able to fit snugly over a finger-shaped object (one of your "digits," as it were)… not unlike a condom.
Additionally, there is a class of medication extracted from the Foxglove plant whose purest form is called digitalis, which is a cardiac drug used to treat various abnormal heart rhythms. I find it just so poetic that the medication (also called digitoxin) can be lethal if the patient is given too much. Toxicity can result in headaches, vomiting, jaundice, blurred vision, delirium, convulsions, and wild hallucinations. Certain species of this very plant are actually so toxic that they've earned the name "Dead Mens' Bells."
Another note: these cards are addressed to the chief himself—as if he'll be reading a Santa-Clause-worthy bag of mail, stuffed to the brim with these cards. Technically, they should be returned to the "Public Information and Community Affairs Office," a branch of FEMS tasked with "disseminating information to the public on Departmental programs and services, conducting community outreach and fire safety education programs and ensuring high quality customer service."
But, given what happened to our Public Information Officer, I guess they're a little short-staffed at the moment. Thanks for stepping up and helping out, Chief! (Table 38's Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity® is ready for pickup, by the way.)
In an effort to do my part, I would like to suggest a new comment card. Sure, we can keep the old one, since it's geared primarily towards medical calls. However, we are still a functioning fire department with a rich and storied history; I think it only fair in this most progressive day and age that we offer a comment card for our fire suppression services.
Fair citizens, I entreat you to please take a moment and assist us in bettering our Department (click to enlarge it, if you'd like).